My heart aches

You have taught me O Father that the ways of the heart are deceiving, don't be led by your emotions. So forgive me when this has lead my decisions rather than solid truth. Lead me, According to your ways that I might be a reflection of Jesus. Not a reflection of some "super spiritual or righteous" person, no but a reflection of Jesus. Jesus was humble. Luke 18:19 "Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone." Jesus did not take up his own agenda but was busy doing the agenda of the Father. Matthew 26:42b "My Father if this cannot pass unless I drink it, your will be done." Matthew 11:27 "All things were handed over to me by my Father, and no one knows the Son except the Father; neither does anyone know the Father except the Son and the one to whom the Son chooses to reveal him."

When hope dims...I will hold on!

I love Hebrews 11.  It speaks of amazing men and women of God, saints if you will, who held tightly to their convictions even to the death.  They died not seeing the fulfilment, yet fully trusted God to fulfill his promise.

What of all those thousands who died not seeing the birth of the Messiah?  So many examples in Scripture of courageous and faithful men and women who believed, though not seeing, and held on to their convictions to the death. 

I also believe for something special, though I do not see it.  I am holding fast to my convictions in spite of all.  Even though I believe, I wont lie about my temptation to fear.  I choose not to dwell on fears that attack, but to trust that God does know and have perfect timing!  My romantic heart waits patiently for my God, to see his fulfillment of dreams long ago planted in my heart, of things he continues to shape and fashion with love and care.  His grace sustains me, and should I die, I will die believing him. 
Above all,
My heart yearns to be free of this earthly vessel, but when I come to the throne of grace, I do not want to come empty handed.  I want my spirit to be overflowing with the goodness of God, the salvations of tens of thousands, the fruits of love, joy peace patience kindness goodness and self control.

I know that I can never NEVER EVER measure up to this call.  If not for the grace of God, I would never feel peace to die, because I know that death means assured judgment for how much I have fallen short of his glory.  What do I have to offer the King of Kings?  Rather I am as insignificant as dust, and smaller than a white blood cell before him.  Just to be near him, His fragrance will overwhelm me and I imagine swooning and fainting before His Majesty.  He is so kind and so good.

God's love for me is enough.